Let's Do the Time Warp Again

     Somewhere around Ohio, you start to notice something. It's almost imperceptible at first, but quickly the realization strikes. You're a time traveler. It starts with the cars. You're zooming down the highway, and you pass a 1987 Chevy Astrovan. It makes you do a double take, because you haven't seen one since middle school. Then you see a soda machine (excuse me, POP machine) outside of some dinky gas station, and the outdated logo that adorns it triggers a memory in your brain of your first trip to McDonald's. The farther out west you go, the more the years tick backward.

The official state vehicle of South Dakota

     Now clearly, I don't believe in time travel. If I did, I'd go back and undo all those drunken texts I've sent to ladies at 3am. But all this retro stuff begs a question: Where did it come from? Have the citizens of these states merely meticulously kept up on their regularly scheduled maintenance? Even if that were the case, everything is a minimum of 25 miles away out there. It's highly implausible even the most cared for Ford Festiva would last several hundred thousand miles. Which brings up another point: It's never an old BMW or Mercedes you see cruising around, it's always cars that were pieces of shit from the moment they rolled off the assembly line. How do these anachronisms stand? It's a mystery worthy of Mr. Owl from the old Tootsie Pop Commercials. Which are now airing for the first time in southeastern Minnesota.