Hatin' on Halloween

     As a child, October 31st was one of my favorite days of the year. I loved dressing up and hitting the streets in search of candy and adventure. I'd scurry home from school, and rush out with a pillowcase and high hopes of getting enough Halloween loot to potentially rot out all of my teeth that very night. And that's what Halloween is, a holiday for children. I've grown to hate it, however, as an adult. Costume parties, horror movies (a guaranteed Saw sequel released, whether anyone wants it or not), and themed sitcom episodes - I care for none of these.

Kiss it, Halloween.

     Costume parties especially get under my skin. Women, who the rest of the year are respectable, admirable members of society, debase themselves by dressing like Atlantic City hookers under the guise of Halloween fun. Normally, I have no problem with ladies opting to show cleavage, ass cheek, or the lower third of their pudenda. I just hate seeing it from women who wouldn't do that the rest of the year, but on this particular day decide to entice every red-blooded male by dressing as a "sexy nurse", a "sexy devil", or the (god help me) perennial favorite, "sexy kitten." All I can say is, "Sweetheart...you look like a fucking whore. Mission accomplished."

Gives a new meaning to the term, "Beefeater."

     Don't even get me started on grown men dressing up. Their costumes are usually "suspicion-confirmers" for me. The guy done up as a girl? I knew he was a closet transvestite! The dude wearing a Star Wars costume? He's a geek all year, he just tries to hide it the other 364 days. The gentleman dressed as a giant penis? I always knew he was a dickhead! Grow up, men. I can absolutely guarantee painting your entire body blue and attaching pointy ears and a tail a la Avatar is not going to get you laid.

Dude, you're not even trying...

     Truth be told, most of my hatred for costumes and the like probably comes from being too lazy to bother picking one out a clever one for myself. In past years, you might have found me at the mall, on my way to a party, rooting through the remaining costume scraps left at 7pm on 10/31. I'd end up getting some ill-fitting piece of shit for $19.99, and would look like a bozo (unfortunately, it would be nothing like a clown costume). Some might say this reveals bitterness and jealousy on my part regarding everyone else enjoying this holiday. Some might say that my retirement from Halloween parties coincided suspiciously with me not being invited to any Halloween parties this year. To those who might say such things, I might say (since this is my blog, after all), "Nope, sorry, you're wrong...and you look like a douchebag."