Yellowstone National Park, Brought to You by Disney

     What I'm about to say here probably breaks some cardinal law of campers and nature lovers everywhere, but to hell with it, I'm saying it anyway. Yellowstone kinda sucks. Now, now, settle down. I'm not talking about the environment or natural splendors there. They are quite beautiful, and wonders to behold. What sucks is the fact that while there, I was continually reminded of Six Flags, or Disney (which I've never been to, but feel I can imagine well enough).

     Much like Great Adventure, your visit to Yellowstone is kicked off with a line of cars waiting to drive through the entrance booth. Everyone has to pay their entrance fee, and of course, question the ranger there with a fervor normally reserved for a Mike Wallace interview on 60 Minutes. JZ and I had invested in an annual National Parks Pass, which I thought would allow us to bypass this clusterfuck much like the Fast Passes at Six Flags do, but I was mistaken. We waited our turn in line like everyone else, which irritated me to no end.

Welcome to Yellowstone!

     Another aspect of this national treasure that reminded me of a large-scale amusement park was the wildlife wandering by the roadside. It was very reminiscent of the drive-thru safari all us Ocean Countites know and ... love? While it was extremely gratifying to witness a buffalo up close, the behavior of my fellow motorists left much to be desired. When one merely saw someone standing in the shoulder of the road holding a camera at their side, they would proceed to slam on their brakes, kill 6 people behind them, and careen off the road in an attempt to snap a photo of whatever wildlife MAY be nearby. Downtown Manhattan has less gridlock at rush hour than Yellowstone does if an elk happens to wander anywhere near the roadside.

A more dangerous traffic hazard, I've not encountered.

     The congestion and claustrophobia continues once you exit the car and walk to gain a glimpse of one of the park's many natural geyser formations. Remember the line for El Toro the year it opened? Well, that has nothing on Old Faithful. Hundreds of people mill about, eating ice cream (handily sold at nearby concession stands), telling their kids, "shut up, it's gonna go off soon, then we can go back to the RV and watch TV," and preparing their cameras for the imminent eruption. If you're lucky, you get a spot behind two vertically-challenged Asian tourists and can view Old Faithful's mighty spew over their shoulders.

     Now I deride Yellowstone, but I do it in jest. It really is a beautiful, mind-blowing place that's enormity is amazing. I was there Labor Day Weekend, and I waited in line like all of the other cattle (people, I mean, not the actual cattle). My cynicism for "wholesome family adventure" didn't stop me from feeling like a kid again myself. Just not the kid stuffing ice cream in his maw and waiting to go back to the RV to watch Dora.